Sleep or lack there of

Passed out exhausted at 11pm woke up for no reason at 245am. Beginning day 8 of sobriety a lil earlier then I would like to but that's okay just glad I got family guy and southpark on the DVR to keep me company.  Good day to any one that reads this. (Me haha)

Girlfriend

Oh smokies when she finds out she's gonna be sore.

No title (except this one)

DVR makes my life bearable.

Jim carrey at his best

Suicide

I had a long conversation with a friend last night about suicide. His best friend passed a few months ago. The police concluded she shot herself in the chest after a non sober fight with her boyfriend. My friend can't accept that she killed herself. I don't understand that. The police have no reason to lie about it and I don't know how some one especially someone inebriated and angry could pull the trigger then manage to get gun powder residue off his hands and on hers in the places you would find it after firing the gun.  I realize how terrible suicide is my life has been touched by it three times. When I was a fifth grader my dads friends son who I looked up to hung himself in his dorm room then in seventh grade my friend and teammate on my basketball team got in trouble in school and was sent to in school detention.  He threw a desk at a teacher. Instead of arresting him they called his mom and told her he had to leave and that she needed to come get him. She couldn't or didn't want to leave work and told the school to let him walk him walk home.  A few hours later his little sister got home and went to hang her coat up and found him hanging in the closet.  Last year another friend of mine with bi polar went out in the woods with a five gallon bucket and some rope and a bungie cord. He tied the rope around a tree attached the bungie cord to the end of it.  He put the bucket on its side wrapped the cord around his neck and rocked forward on the bucket.  His wife and son went looking for him when he didn't show up for dinner. They couldn't find him.  After an anxiety filled night they went back out at sunrise. His wife and son found him.  So sad.........funerals are almost always but suicide ones are especially difficult, there's sometimes anger mixed in with the grief.

New Heater Cause Its Cold Outside

misery or relief pretty much sums up why i cant do anything competitive any more i e gamble or play pool or play basketball

I put so much pressure on myself whether it be financial with poker or pool or just wanting to win every single game every single time no matter it it is.  That when its all over if i didn't win i almost hate myself and I'm miserable for days and if i win there's no joy in it..........only relief that i wont feel angry and depressed about losing.   sucks that over competitiveness that seems to get worse as age not better has ruined a lot of things i used to love to do.  i guess its also a mental weakness that i cant over come it and keep playing the games i enjoy and used to use to escape stress not cause it.